I am not kidding. Powered yard equipment generally does not like me very much, rototillers being the odd exception so far. But seriously, my lawnmower really wants me dead.
I went out to cut the grass today, I walked about 4.5 km (2.8 mi), cutting all the grass front and back. However, it was not ejecting the grass out the side chute, it kept jamming it in the back where the optional bag attachment can go. So, I had to constantly stop. While all this is going on a thunder storm is rolling in. I can hear the thunder getting closer and more frequent. This lawnmower is trying to get me to stay out long enough so it can act as a lightning rod to zap me.
Then, it runs out of gas. It never runs out of gas. The tank is just a bit bigger than what I need to cut all the grass. And I have less than before. More delaying tactics from the infernal contraption. So, I pour in the last dregs from my jerry can and finish. No storm yet. However, I need to move two blueberry bushes and cut around the area after. So, I attempt to shut the engine off.
How do I do this? The throttle cable never shuts the engine off. I would have to push on the lever it is attached to to shut it down. I do that. It will not shut down. Okay. If I tip it, it will flood. Nope. So, while I am trying to tip it, it flips over. And it is still running. I am dumbfounded and pissed off. Very pissed. Then, it starts to smoke. Lots and lots of white smoke. A new pope amount of smoke. And it still will not shut off.
I grab it and I am yelling at it, like Basil Fawlty. Except where he is trying to start a machine I am trying to stop one. And this time I did not have a stick. As an aside, I did beat up my old lawn tractor in virtually the same way as Basil did in the video. Finally, it stops. Out of fear I think. Then, it catches fire. Super. It is trying to set me on fire now. I put it out. Twice. I move on to the blueberries. I remove all the rocks around the bushes and dig them up, fill in the holes and mow over the area. After some time trying to restart the evil machine.
I bring the mower back to its spot when not in use and go to shut it off. Of course it will not. I turn it on its side and push the throttle lever to off. I even disconnect the cable so there is no resistance. It still will not shutdown. I am freaking out. I am trying my damnedest to shut it down, but it keeps sputtering and then revving up.
By this time, it is full on rain and rolling thunder. My shirt is soaked and I am close to beating the mower with a sledgehammer. Seriously, I am not kidding. Then, as before, it suddenly stops. I am betting it is completely terrified of me now. I plant the bushes in their new spot. Clean everything up, and look at the lawn. It looks like absolute horse fritters. One would think I was drunk and blindfolded. I will need to cut it again in a few days, but I really do not want to use this piece of crap.
It needs to be repaired first, or replaced. I will go see the local fixit guy. Maybe I can trade it for a simpler mower. I miss my old one. No adjustments at all. Fixed height wheels, no bagger, just a side chute. It never clogged, I never sharpened the blade, it ran on the crappiest gas. It just would not idle properly after several years of hard use and I got rid of it. Big mistake.
As I have learnt with many things these days, cheapest, or second cheapest, is best. When my Coleman barbecue dies, I will replace it with the cheapest one I can get. If I spend more than $150, taxes in, it is too much. Same with the lawn mower. I will replace this so-called Craftsman (it should be called Crapsman) product with something simpler and more forgiving. If you want to cut more than a postage stamp-sized lawn, a rear bagger is an albatross. The bag fills too quickly, if you remove the bag, it clogs. Really?
From now on, for me, with any type of non-major item, like lawnmowers, barbecues, and the like, spending four or five-hundred dollars, when I can easily spend under two-hundred, is foolish. From now on, if I want all the bells and whistles, I will buy a 1969 Buick Riviera. blbbl
P.S. Happy birthday buddy. You know who you are. Of course you do, it is your birthday today. Duh!
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