? regret - raw poem

As with the images in this post, the following poem is raw: sudden, unrefined, unedited (somewhat like me currently). I scribbled this thing down on Monday just before the start of the clock job. I have not looked at it again until now. With a snatch of time I am throwing this up here as was scribbled.

sunrise, monday morning

my soul fractures

my soul crumbles

it does not vanish

regret

unfathomable

i have done things

     that embarrass me

i have done things

     that make me proud

i have dome things

     that amaze me

i have done things

     that make me shake my head

i have done things (and do)

     that i hate

resentment

now that's the ticket

to regret

     is to hate who you are

i cannot

to resent

     is to hate what you

          have done

          are doing

          will do

nevertheless

everything one

     has done

     does

     will do

is who you

     were

     are

     will be

how can you not want to be

     who you are

(how can i loathe myself)

     (sometimes it is hard not to)

i do not

i cannot

fogrise #1, thursday morning (today) [my favourite]

fogrise #2

#3

blbbl

away away . i eschew the embrace

the woodland

it calls to me

yet

like a preteen boy

at a school dance

i vacillate

turn away

and

pursue avoidance

why

do i deny myself

that which i love

most dearly

blbbl

taking a break

So, I know I have not posted since the beginning of the month, but it has been a weird and hellacious thirty-one days.

The new clock job has kicked the crap out of me. A Sith, by the name of Darth Numbnuts, has been dogging me for almost a year and matters came to a head this month.

Several disappointments since just before the winter solstice, culminating with the final one I wish to (not) accept on this very day.

Multiple other brooding issues and, somewhat surprising, revelations. An unavoidable (only as I have failed to overcome) isolation from the woodland.

All this, and more, has put me in a space where I need to reflect upon and analyse myself, surroundings, and interactions. There is yet more than I care to confront.

Too bad, as I had/have a few posts brewing, with notes and drafts, that I wish to put out.

Unfortunately, I have convinced myself that I need to step back, take a break, and pause from the rooster.

That is correct, I am not going to post for an indeterminate period of time. I cannot focus on the rooster right now.

My break may be a day, a week, a month, longer? I may drop a comment now and again in the interim, I may not.

I apologise to my handful of dedicated followers, but it would be an injustice to the rooster and yourselves if I force it. You few, committed, fellow travellers will know when the rooster is back to disturb your slumber.

One last parting shot: Darth Numbnuts, take a flying leap off the back of something unmentionable. Oh, and get bent, you self-serving ass. blbbl

jobbing the clock - five days - week in review

So, I think this is almost out of my system. As a new (again) thing for me. I actually had all kinds of "stuff" I was going to cover, but much has left my mind. It happens sometimes. Some of you know why, some of you do not. Oh well.


Work: Getting used to it, more and more.

No choice really. 

There is one unexpected perk.

In the latter part of the week, a box appeared on the shop floor. 

It said "free stuff".

Yup.

I took a casual gander; various crap.

There was a monitor too; I may grab it on Monday if it still there.

It is probably not so good; but the members of my Scout Troop that are going to the Great Lakes Jamboree this summer are doing an e-waste fundraiser in April.

I can add that to the pile.

I think I will call this occasional "free stuff": "Employment Bonuses"; it sounds classier.

The job does give my mind lots of time to ponder. I may have to get a voice recorder to note my thoughts before I forget them.


Socks: All the socks came in!

I was right about them; the one pair was of the smaller size, the others were thick and tall and actual work socks.

I did try on the "too small" socks and oddly they fit, albeit a tad un-tall.

I will wear these thinner ones, tall-ish and un-tall, for now and save the thick and tall ones for later.

Still not impressed with The Bay though.


Boots: I have yet to follow up on that.

For the love of my feet, I better soon as my feet are unhappy.

These old boots do not have a lot of life left in them either.

Hopefully this week sometime I will get new foot-coverings and the old ones will become yet another pair of truck boots.


My clothes jumble: Still a clothes jumble.

Another thing to move on as I know I have more crappy tee-shirts; I just cannot find them.

As with my hiking/camping socks, I will not sacrifice my hiking/camping shirts, or any hiking/camping clothing, for non-hiking/camping activities.


Well, there you have it.

I do not foresee a change on the horizon for a long time.

I just need to get my ducks in a row before they peck me to death.


I am sure most of you are relieved that I may just leave this topic for a bit.


I have a few, maybe even a bunch, of other irons in the fire as to topics to post about.

I just need to remember to remember them properly and restart taking notes, or, at least, give myself reminders.


Busy day tomorrow, the boy and I, and a couple of others, are going to start that hiking shelter repair.

I think I mentioned that before?

The boy is repairing our home-turf hiking shelter as it is not much of a shelter any longer; it is like standing under a colander of draining pasta when it is raining.

He is doing this for his Chief Scout's Award, and the fact that he thinks a shelter should provide shelter.

I also hope to get back to searching for boots for work.

Maybe even unjumble the jumble.

Plus, Daylight Savings Time comes in to effect overnight.

Spring ahead and lose an hour.


So, a very busy, and one hour shorter, day tomorrow.


Amazing though, how something as simple as work or socks, can weigh a person down at times?


Boogie on down the Road.


See you on the trail! blbbl

travailler á l'horloge - jour quatre - chaussettes!

So, for those who find my "French" incomprehensible, it is now day four with my jobbing the clock.

Things are better.

As the wife said, I appear "happier" today than all week.

I guess I am getting subsumed? enmeshed?

I am apparently there to stay. (I better get those boots!)

I have been offered overtime.

A standing offer, in fact.

Every Saturday, from early in the morning (before the Monday to Friday start time) until daytime-midnight (not my creation; a phrase a good friend of mine introduced me to).

Unfortunately, this Saturday is out; too many things are a juggling this weekend.

However, I know I will be in on more Saturdays than I can currently fathom.

Oh, yeah, the suggestion yesterday of sweeping during lulls was taken up by myself today.

I know a work area has to be kept clean and tidy, but I always find sweeping to keep, or look, busy somewhat foolish. 

Anyway, much of the floor around my work area is spotless, none the less.

I will come to terms with it all. 

As I have said, it is not where I thought I would be at this point in my life, but I  am here (there am I?)...


Hey, the first parcel of socks has come in!

They actually were at the Post Office waiting for me...


I have just opened the package...


Five pairs of socks!


Not what I ordered?!


Three pairs are the advertised size, but not the advertised socks.

Two pairs are the advertised socks, sort of, but woefully too small; they will go to the boy and the wife.

Just not really worth the hassle to send them back.

By the way, these socks were ordered from The Hudson's Bay Company (aka: "The Bay") off their website.

So, beware; you may just not get what you thought you were buying.

Also, they are supposed to be wool work socks; yeah no.

They are wool, but thinner than what I would accept as a work sock, but I will muddle through, for now - they were free-ish.

So, the next two parcels will be interesting.

The next one I should get is five socks again, but from a different manufacturer. So, hopefully, thicker and the right sizing?

The third package will most likely be the thin sock and too small. (I will never buy that brand again!)

If they ask for feedback, boy will they get it; in spades!

Online shopping is awesome!?


May we sight each other on the flipside!

I will be the guy tugging at his socks.


See you on the trail, here's hoping. blbbl

clock jobbing - the third day

"Hey, the crybaby's back!"

You bet.

"When will he stop?"

Soon.

"Well, what do you want now?"

Oh, just to check in.

Taking a very short pause after getting home and before making dinner and before our weekly Scout meeting.

The meeting will be a busy one. We are "linking" with one of our Wolf Cub Packs tonight.

There will be over fifty youth tonight.

I suspect I will not have time to stand still.

Anyway, today was better, but the other shoe dropped.

The ubiquitous, "If you have nothing to do for a bit, grab a broom."

I am surprised it took three days for that bit of instruction to be passed on.

Well, right now, too darned busy to sweep, except where unavoidable for safety or maintenance.

Other than that, not so much a terrible day.

Anyway, on to supper and Scouts. I will finish up later.


Holy crap! That meeting was somewhat chaotic!

So, to let everyone know, the socks I ordered are in transit.

Yup. In three separate parcels!?

From three different locations!?

From one retailer!?

I need to find new boots for this job too. That is the next search.

The boots I currently have are just killing my feet.

I mean, my dogs are barking!

These hush-puppies have gone well past their best before date.

The boots I wanted to get are no longer made. So, online for that now.

Oh, I will find my way to bed eventually.

I better, or I will end up crashing to the floor.

Keep on truckin'.

See you on the trail, hopefully. blbbl

clock job - day two

So, upon reflection over yesterday's post, there are probably many of you thinking:

"Boo-hoo, he has to work fixed hours at a fixed location. Everyday. Boo-hoo-hoo."

Well, you are not wrong.

"Tough luck!"

True enough, again.

"What a whiner."

Well, maybe a little.

However, everybody does not fit in the same slot as everybody else.

I have known people who cannot, or are even unwilling to, take permanent employment. They like always not knowing what will happen next.

I have known people that could not make it outside of the military. They needed that kind of structure and oversight.

I have known people who work for themselves. They just cannot abide others telling them what to do or they think they can do it better on their own.

I have known people that went to and from work at the same time every day at the same place every day. It worked for them, always knowing when, where, and what they were doing.

I have known people that just drift along with the current of the universe. They just love the universe to surprise them. Probably more fun than not too.

I have known many very different and various people who fit in to many various and different slots in the work-world. Some fit happily, some did not.

Me, I no longer know what slot I need to fit in to. I just did not think it would be this one.

Anyway, it is quite an adjustment for me. I actually was out with boy for a few hours and just got back. I am running sixteen to eighteen hours, and more, non-stop the last several days before I can take a breather. Tomorrow is much the same.

Honestly, I am baffled at how people can work a clock job for decades.

Two days in and I can barely stay awake. And I have had them before!

Well, my hat is off to all who do it. Willingly and reluctantly.

This is the new me, I guess. I certainly will adjust. I always do in the end.

Well, I have more bits and bobs to do before bed. 

Yesterday, it was confusedly ordering socks online with gift cards as I do not have enough in good repair to get through the week. I am certainly not using my hiking/camping socks; those are for the woodland.

Tonight, it is laundry. As I said, I need socks, and tee-shirts. Somehow, my clothing in general has become a jumble. I will need to take some time on the weekend, among all my other tasks, to find what the hell is going on in the hamper.

Tomorrow? Something will pop up.

Well, as I said earlier, this is the new me: clock jobber, and all the "rights and privileges" that go with it.

Don't cry for me Argentina!

With hope: See you on the trail. blbbl