The principles:
Me: I will be played by Lee Majors as he appeared in The Fall Guy as Colt Seavers.
My truck: played by The Truck from The Fall Guy.
Haji D. Robertus (my best friend, who does not want his real name ever used on my blog, so he provided me with this nom de guerre, or "nom de blogue" if you will): Played by Kiefer Sutherland as David from The Lost Boys.
R. W.: play by Donny Most as Ralph Malph from Happy Days.
Filler characters:
Buddy: played by Buddy Hackett as performed in the role of Benjy Benjamin from It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World.
Guy (pronounced like "why", not "we"): played by Don Johnson as performed in the role of Sonny Crockett from Miami Vice.
Pally: played by Dean Martin as performed in the role of Matt Helm, U.S. government counter-agent, from a series of spy-spoof films.
Special guest appearance by Labatt the Golden Retriever.
The Story
Haji came to Ottawa for the weekend and was visiting with friends when he called up another friend, me, and invited me over to join them for pizza and a beer.
haji d. robertus (courtesy villains.wikia.com)
I went to their ground floor apartment and was introduced to everyone, some of the guys, like R.W. and Buddy I already knew, Guy and Pally I met for the first time.
r.w. (courtesy wikipedia)
We had some barley pops and and peeled back slices from the cheese wheel. We were talking about what there was to do in Ottawa, which at the time was not much. There used to be a joke that you had to get home by 8:00 at night because they rolled up the streets to keep them tidy for the next day.
While we were jabbering, the neighbour's golden retriever, Labatt, came over. He loved beer and pizza and apparently he would come over whenever they were indulging. Pally poured some beer in to a bowl and Guy threw Labatt a slice. He lived up to his name, as Labatt is one of the major breweries we Canucks have. He could not get enough beer.
labatt (courtesy wikipedia)
It was decided after we finished up the pizza to hit the Market, which had several watering holes. As The Truck only had seating for three or four across the bench seat, Haji and R.W. jumped in the cab with me and Buddy, Guy, and Pally got in to the truck bed, a common practice at the time for transporting excess people in a pick-up. Labatt did not come with us and he seemed somewhat disappointed when he had to go home.
The drive in to town was pretty uneventful except to tell the guys in the truck bed to stop being boneheads and to just sit still. Common practice or not, I could still get a ticket or worse. We pulled in to a parking lot and everyone dismounted. Haji, who was not known to be too graceful dismounting from trucks in the army, practically fell out of the cab of the truck and twisted his ankle and proceeded to upchuck on my front fender. Not an auspicious start to a night on the town and one I hoped would not set the tone for the evening.
We proceeded to some long forgotten bar which no longer exists and it was pretty dead. It was early yet, about 8:30. The guys had a beer and then we proceeded to make our way through several pubs and taverns. Everything was very quiet up until then. Suddenly, Pally said he remembered a bar that was usually hopping and the crowd was often entertaining. We made our way there and it was the first joint with some activity.
pally (courtesy counter-currents.com)
Me, Haji, and R.W. hung off the bar rail and Guy, Pally, and Buddy hit the dance floor to try and impress some maidens. They were not successful and some beer was spilt on to the dance floor. A few more buckets of suds for the boys and further unsuccessful attempts with mating rituals on the dance floor. R.W. and I were discussing blowing this popsicle stand, when two young women came up to us. I knew one of them, but not the other. It was someone I knew from the Hammer. Well, the guys were like clumsy lions on the Serengeti.
Not smooth operators to say the least. A round of drinks for the ladies, and themselves. They were chatting the girls up and talking about other placing to go around the market when one of the lasses said that things were more lively on the other side of the river in Hull, Quebec.
Yes, it was definitely more lively across the river. Cheap beer, fist fights in the bars and in the streets, bouncers with chips on their shoulders, police with chips on their shoulders. I had not mentioned it at all in the hopes no one would think of going there for "some action". Well, of course, the lads were all for it. I reminded them that half of them had ridden in the truck bed to get to the Market. No problem, the girls can ride up front with me and they all would pile in the back. I advised the ladies to ignore the vomit on my fender.
on our way to hull (courtesy rodauthority.com)Off we went. Of course, as we are crossing over the bridge in to La belle province, Guy tries to stand up and starts whooping and hollering. He was obviously enjoying himself and wanted everyone to know. Luckily the guys pulled him down before anything unfortunate occurred. I asked the gals if they were sure they wanted to hang out with us. They said they were game enough to risk a foolish evening.
We parked the truck on a back street that I knew was safe. Never park on the main strip in Hull. You are bound to get a dent or two. We hit a couple of bars after standing in line for way too long each time. More suds for the boys and complimentary drinks for the girls. Now, it is creeping up on about midnight and the town is starting to rock. But the guys want more action. My friend's friend mentions there is a place called The Thunderdome. Like Mad Max? Sure, I guess; who's Max and why is he mad? Never mind.
We leave the joint we are in and head over to The Thunderdome. We wait some in line, then one of our gracious bouncers at the door notices the ladies. He gives them a pass. Only them. To their credit, they tell the bouncer, that us fine fellows are with them. Including Buddy, who at this point is starting to lose some cohesion. To the bouncer's credit, he acquiesces and lets us all in.
buddy, just how he looked waiting in line at the thunderdome (courtesy wikipedia)
This place was something else. It was large. It was loud. It was ludicrous. There were women dancing in leather undergarments. R.W. was particularly fascinated by this. Another round of drinks for the boys and complimentaries for the gals. At some point I am alone. I have no idea where anyone is.
Then Haji comes up to me from I do not know where and tells me to get the truck and park it by the side emergency exit. Why? R.W. and Buddy, of all people, found an errant beer keg, that is full, and are wheeling it over there as we speak. What? Yeah, that whole area is deserted. Um, okay; let me know when they get it out the door, then I will get the truck. I know full well that there is no way that they are going to get a full beer keg out of this place without anyone catching on.
Then R.W. and Buddy drift on over. Hey, you get that keg outside? No, the exit is chained shut. Buddy chimes in that that is a fire code violation. Yeah, no kidding. Maybe we should get out of this fire trap then. I am left standing there while they all go off to find everybody in our party. Eventually, everybody drifts over to where I am in ones and twos. Where are the girls? On the dance floor. Pally says he will go get them. No, I will. I go off and bring them back to the boys.
Where are are Pally and Buddy? They went to the can. Criminy! R.W. and Guy go off to get them. While they go off to find them, the first two come back. Criminy!! Haji goes off to get the other two. Criminy!!! Fortunately Haji actually comes back with them. Now where is Pally. Buddy tells me he went to get another beer. What?! Criminy!!!! There he is. R.W. snags him and reels him in. By the time they rejoin the group, Pally is done the beer.
Okay, let us all go now before someone else peels out from the group. We make it outside. It is all I can do to herd these guys back to the truck. The ladies get in the cab. The five caballeros get in the back. As I turn into the main road, I see a cruiser. Criminy!!!!! Guy is sitting up waving to them. For the love of all that is sacred and good in this world!
I tell them to dummy up and let me talk to them, especially since I am the only sober one in the group. Fortunately, these guys were in a pretty good mood, the cops that is, not the guys, the guys were in a fantastic mood. They tell me that maybe I can drive around with a bunch of winos in the back of my truck in Ontario, but this is Quebec. All I think is: Yeah right, Quebec pioneered driving around with winos in the back of trucks. However, all I say is: Sorry officer, just heading home and to bed. All good and well, but they cannot ride in the back. Okay.
The guys jump out and I make eye contact with Haji and R.W., the two most coherent of the group. I drive off slowly, but the cops are watching me to make sure I actually drive away. Well, I make a turn as if I am going to a different bridge and then drive off . I make a series of turns to bring me back out to the road I left the guys on and they are making for the corner at the bridge to meet me for the ride home.
As they are running diagonally across the intersection, several hundred mice come out of nowhere and run across their path and appear to be making for the river. Buddy stops and starts naming the mice. Mickey, Minnie, Fred, Tammy, one that is apparently passing a bunch of them: Speedy Gonzales. R.W. grabs him and gives him a friendly, yet stern, smack upside the head and they continue to the rendezvous.
turning around to get the guys (courtesy pinterest.com)
We all take a look around, in case those cops were a lot more sly and sneaky than we originally thought. Coast is clear, they all jump in. Except Haji, he gets in carefully in order to avoid another twisted ankle and puking session. We make across the bridge and those guys are laughing their asses off at I do not know what. All I can think is that I should have stayed home and had a bubble bath.
We drop the ladies off at a taxi and send them home, I think. Haji and R.W. get back in the cab and I remind those fools in the back to keep down and keep their mouths shut. It is past 2:00 in the morning. We get back to their place. I see them in to make sure no one wanders off between the road and the door. Labatt is outside and follows us in and some of the guys actually grab beers and Pally pours some in the bowl for Labatt and Guy throws him some pizza bones. I ask them if they are sure this dog is not theirs. Nope, he just likes it here. Yeah, because he is an alcoholic and you guys are enabling him.
I say my good-byes and tell Haji to call me whenever he wakes up. My drive home is uneventful and I make a note to myself that I need to hose off the vomit and double-check the truck bed for any flotsam and debris. I pull up to my place and I am very grateful no one was killed, maimed, or arrested in the course of the evenings events. It is past three bloody a.m. in the morning.
The next day Haji called me at about 3:00 in the afternoon. He only got up about an hour ago. I ask him how everyone is doing. Well, everyone is hurting. Even Labatt, he does not seem to be too lively outside. Wow! I have been up since about 8:00 and washed my truck and got some chores done. What are you doing tonight? Oh, well, just going to rent a movie and stay in. Okay, let me know if you wan tot get together later in the week.
Did these events happen as told above? Well, Haji did come to Ottawa. I did go over to R.W.'s place and have some pizza and a beer. There was a beer drinking dog. And yes, we went to the Market and we even went to The Thunderdome. Finally, there were some mice. The rest you need to figure out for yourself.
wishing i had stayed home and had a bubble bath (courtesy fansshare.com)
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